When Bears Attack Furniture

Simply hideous:


No, Baby Bear did not do this by chewing on it, or otherwise ripping it apart with his bare paws. This damage was caused by his constant rocking, one of autism’s many self-stimulatory behaviors.

With the prolonged rocking came heavy sweating, which is why I am so not into leather. He’d sit in the middle of this love seat in our family room and endlessly rock back and forth—think of a single player “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.” The kid must have abs that Harry Houdini might never have died for. But as he got older and bigger and stronger, the rocking became more rollicking, sometimes lifting the furniture off its stubby feet and sending the back of his head into the drywall.

I suppose if we pulled the leather over the back of the sofa, we could tack it back into place, but only if we use steel rivets like the kind they use to construct battleships.

There used to be a matching sofa. He did the same thing to the family room sofa (as well as the one in the living room, pictured below with Bear in Rare Repose), until the springs sprang and the wooden framework splintered.

When we had all three children, we had a curved sectional sofa that served very well and we loved it (despite the pile of toys and junk that accumulated in the space behind the curve), but that was over ten years ago and we’re not sure a new one would be “rocking proof.”

I have told Mr. Lucky that we are fated to be a house of armchairs, and that’s just the way it is. He frets over how weird it looks to not have a sofa in either the living room or family room. But who’s going to know and be offended—the Sofa Police? We only have one child living at home now. We don’t entertain, and we have to be practical.

Oh, and as if Baby Bear hasn’t committed enough atrocities lately—this morning I went into his room to find he’d ripped the tag off his new Toy Story 3 comforter.

If anyone from Homeland Security is reading this, then we’re doomed—unless the Sofa Police get here first. But if they want something to haul away in the dead of night, they’re welcome to take the loveseat.