Thursday, June 16, 2011

Baby Bear's Hellacious Household Hints

When you try one of Baby Bear’s Hellacious Household Hints, you can be sure that whatever in blazes you think you’re doing has been repeatedly tried and tested for success and/or maximum destruction by none other than Baby Bear himself.

How to check if the dog’s water dish needs refilling: Place as much of your foot as possible into the dish and commence stomping until water is splattered all around it. If there’s still water remaining in the dish, then repeat with other foot. Should water still be observed in the dish, then flip it upside-down on the kitchen counter. At this point you should be able to confirm that the dish needs refilling.

How to check if there’s water in the toilet: Do not flush as that is environmentally incorrect; also the noise causes inconvenience to parental units by prompting them to stop whatever they’re doing to come and see what you’re up to. Instead, place a sock on your foot, dip it in the toilet, then take a walk around the house. If you see wet footprints on the carpet, then there’s water in the toilet bowl.

Is your Playstation controller waterproof? There’s only one way to find out—soak it and see if it still works. Meanwhile, you’ll enjoy the parental units speculating whether you dipped it in the toilet or dropped it into the dog’s water dish.

How to check curtain rods for strength: Push the curtains aside, then grip the rod in both hands and do a chin-up. If the rod rips out of the wall, then a stronger rod and better hardware will be required.

How to tell Mom it’s time to clean the chandelier: Hit the chandelier with enough force to make it swing. If possible, hit it in such a way to make it spin. Keep doing this until visible specks of dust rain down on the dining room table. Food on the table optional.

How to open a locked door without a key or similar device: Kick, hit, and do body slams against the door until it finally comes off the hinges. Most effective at five in the morning.

How effective are those drain plugs? Close them, turn on the water, then wait for Mom’s blood-curdling scream.

How to tell her it’s time to recharge the batteries in your electronic keyboard: Before approaching her, first remove all six batteries yourself. Fling five of them to the floor or onto the nearest end table, but always in plain sight. Hide the sixth one. Then go get her.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Our Firstborn, the Graduate

Our firstborn and heir apparent, the Crown Prince, has graduated from school.

He’s mentally retarded and autistic, and has been going to the same school for special needs students for the better part of his life. Indeed, he’d become something of an institution at his school; many members of the faculty remarked on how the place will never be the same without him.

He practically ran the campus, and was proclaimed King of his senior prom. With his stentorian voice, he did all the morning announcements on the P.A. system, and each day he led the whole school in saying the Pledge of Allegiance.

In fact, he could probably do voiceover work. One of his hobbies is parroting commercial slogans from TV and the radio, whether it’s The Home Depot (“You can do it. We can help.”) or a prominent local law firm (“Morgan and Morgan. For the People. Offices Tampa.”)

He knew everyone’s schedules (woe betide anyone who dared to change their plans for whatever reason), the lunch menus, and even the calendar for months in advance, down to what day of the week a particular date fell. If the computers at that school ever crashed, they could still rely on my oldest son to keep them organized.

At the graduation ceremony, when they called out his full name and he marched up the aisle in his cap and gown (my favorite color—royal blue!), I couldn’t help the tears streaming down my cheeks as everyone stood up and applauded him. Later, he and his fellow graduates (two young ladies) presented flowers to the mothers.

We are so very proud of him.