The wife of a presidential candidate recently revealed that she’d stopped wearing pantyhose a long time ago. She can’t wear them without ripping them, due to her height of 5’11”.
I can vouch for this. I’m also 5’11”, and I have the same problem. In fact, anything to do with dressing my legs and feet is a hassle because of my height, but today we’re talking pantyhose.
Forget the size charts on the pantyhose packages, which I’ve never been able to decipher anyway. I just look for the biggest size I can find. Ideally, this would be “Extra Plus Amazon Empress—Official Pantyhose of the U.S. Women’s Olympic Basketball Team!”
I open the package and pull out something that looks as if it wouldn’t fit a Barbie doll. I pull them on and the crotch barely clears my knees. If I try to pull any harder or higher, it splits into a hole bigger than the waistband. This prevents me from wearing shorter skirts than I’d like.
Karen, have you ever tried garters and stockings? They’re so sexy!
Again, the height gets in the way. The trick is finding garters long enough and stockings that stretch high enough to meet on the upper thigh. When I tried to seduce my husband with garters and stockings, he wondered why I was wearing knee-highs.
“I’m not wearing knee-highs,” I replied. “These are supposed to go up to my thighs—the package said ‘one size fits all’—but they don’t reach because my legs are too long.”
“I see. And what are all those big diamond-shaped holes?”
“It’s fishnet,” I said. “It’s just stretched so tight because of my height.”
“That’s fishnet?” he asked in amazement. “Just how big a fish are you hoping to catch? A whale could slip through that.”
The garters, meanwhile, were stretched so taut that he could pluck “Dueling Banjos” on them. And that was the sexy, romantic evening that spiced up our marriage.
Karen, it’s the 21st century, and we've come a long way! Try spray-on pantyhose!
I’ll confess I haven’t tried this, in part because of my experience with “sunless tanning” that made me look like a giant carrot. Rabbits gathered and multiplied outside the house for a week.
I assume that despite its name, spray-on pantyhose shouldn’t be sprayed on the “panty part.” The trick would be to apply it evenly, so my legs don’t have a “dappled tan” look. I imagine it’s a lot of fun trying to do the backs of the legs—not too unlike the old days, when ladies’ stockings had back seams and our grandmothers had to contort themselves trying to get those seams straight.
Hm, maybe we've come a long way, but I’m not sure we’ve come all that far.
But if I can go bare-legged in shorts, then why not in a skirt? Do I dare?