Thursday, June 19, 2008

The Politics of Pantyhose

The wife of a presidential candidate recently revealed that she’d stopped wearing pantyhose a long time ago. She can’t wear them without ripping them, due to her height of 5’11”.

I can vouch for this. I’m also 5’11”, and I have the same problem. In fact, anything to do with dressing my legs and feet is a hassle because of my height, but today we’re talking pantyhose.

Forget the size charts on the pantyhose packages, which I’ve never been able to decipher anyway. I just look for the biggest size I can find. Ideally, this would be “Extra Plus Amazon Empress—Official Pantyhose of the U.S. Women’s Olympic Basketball Team!”

I open the package and pull out something that looks as if it wouldn’t fit a Barbie doll. I pull them on and the crotch barely clears my knees. If I try to pull any harder or higher, it splits into a hole bigger than the waistband. This prevents me from wearing shorter skirts than I’d like.

Karen, have you ever tried garters and stockings? They’re so sexy!

Again, the height gets in the way. The trick is finding garters long enough and stockings that stretch high enough to meet on the upper thigh. When I tried to seduce my husband with garters and stockings, he wondered why I was wearing knee-highs.

“I’m not wearing knee-highs,” I replied. “These are supposed to go up to my thighs—the package said ‘one size fits all’—but they don’t reach because my legs are too long.”

“I see. And what are all those big diamond-shaped holes?”

“It’s fishnet,” I said. “It’s just stretched so tight because of my height.”

“That’s fishnet?” he asked in amazement. “Just how big a fish are you hoping to catch? A whale could slip through that.”

The garters, meanwhile, were stretched so taut that he could pluck “Dueling Banjos” on them. And that was the sexy, romantic evening that spiced up our marriage.

Karen, it’s the 21st century, and we've come a long way! Try spray-on pantyhose!

I’ll confess I haven’t tried this, in part because of my experience with “sunless tanning” that made me look like a giant carrot. Rabbits gathered and multiplied outside the house for a week.

I assume that despite its name, spray-on pantyhose shouldn’t be sprayed on the “panty part.” The trick would be to apply it evenly, so my legs don’t have a “dappled tan” look. I imagine it’s a lot of fun trying to do the backs of the legs—not too unlike the old days, when ladies’ stockings had back seams and our grandmothers had to contort themselves trying to get those seams straight.

Hm, maybe we've come a long way, but I’m not sure we’ve come all that far.

But if I can go bare-legged in shorts, then why not in a skirt? Do I dare?


Vicki said...

I hardly ever wear pantyhose. In the winter I'll wear tights.

I totally understand the fit thing. As you know, I'm very short. So many times, pantyhose could become a body suit.

Totally with you on the spray on thing. We even sell the Tan Towels at my job and everyone says they're great.'s that whole orange thing that stops me. I guess I'd rather look like I've never seen the light of day, rather than orange.

Phyllis J. Towzey said...

Hey, Karen, it's Florida -- skip the hose and just wear sandals.

Or if you do want to wear hose (I do because, sigh, I no longer have the legs of a 20-year-old), then wear thigh highs. They are like stockings but you don't need a garter -- they have a thick band at the top with a rubbery texture that doesn't slide -- honest. I wouldn't have believed it, but they actually work.

Karen Lingefelt said...

Vicki, you provide another side of the coin on this issue, if you can wear your pantyhose as a bodysuit, LOL!

Phyllis, I tried the thigh highs with the thick band many, many years ago. I couldn't get them to stay up high enough. But maybe they've improved since then?

And you know I don't have the legs of a 20 year old, either--but maybe I can get away with shedding my Northern ways and going totally Floridian by dispensing with hose altogether.

lisser88 said...

At exactly 6 feet tall I never go a day without Pantyhose.
The way they feel,
massaging my legs all day,
the texture against my clothes,
and of course making my legs look so wonderful (that's coming from a multitude of compliments I swear!).

Bare legs may have their place in 100% humidity, or if you want them that way- but I really can not see why so many girls whine about wearing them. I have no trouble finding the correct size, one only needs to read and maybe try out 2 or 3 pairs to get their favorite- but also get the better brands, not the cheaper ones. The look, the Feel and the fit are all included in the slightly higher price. And you can get the 'expensive' brands like Donna Karen, Wolford, Oroblu, etc at stores like Century 21 and TJ maxx for the same price as the cheaper ones.
The spray on make-up is not a good idea as the chemicals get absorbed by your skin. And Pantyhose are very in-Vogue now, for those that are worried about that! Katy Perry, Rhianna, Zoe Deschanel, Lindsay, ... they never go without them-and their legs are gorgeous.
My boyfriend never told me how much he loves it when I am wearing Pantyhose until after 5 or so months of being together. He was worried I would think it was weird; though I'm not sure who diggs 'em more, he or I!
-Treat yourself to the luxery brands and then feel the difference and notice all the looks!
Sincerely, Lisa

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